One of the hardest moments of my life was four years ago this month. The moment I knew I had lost a sweet and precious baby at 10 weeks pregnant. I would never have the opportunity to hold her, kiss her, or hear her sweet cries or laughter. In that moment, when reality set in, I was flooded with emotions. Emotions I had never felt in such strength. Fear, anger, frustration, devastation, sadness, grief, and emptiness.
I am a believer in Christ. I knew in my head that God was in control and had a reason for taking this baby to be with Him. But in that moment… I didn’t understand. I questioned why? And I felt alone.
We had not yet shared with many people the exciting news of our baby. We were enjoying the secret of new life and the thrilling knowledge of a new little one preparing to come into the world. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about my loss. I put on a face, and pretended like nothing was wrong and I wasn’t screaming on the inside. I had to realize that it was “Okay, to not be Okay.” It took a bit of time, but when I began sharing my loss with others and being open about my pain, that is when my healing began. And I found that I wasn’t alone.
Not many woman openly share the feelings and heartaches of losing a baby. It’s personal. It’s emotional. It’s hard. And many times, others who have not had that loss make do not understand the pain and can easily dismiss the feelings and hurt of those who have had the devastation of knowing they will never hold their baby in their arms.
There are still no words I can give you to say to those who are going through that moment of devastation… But I can offer the comfort of another woman who has experienced that terrible loss. My arms are open. My tears flow with yours. Others who have had the loss of a baby, we silently hold you up in prayers. Time does heal. But you will never forget.
“When a child loses a parent, he is called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or a widower. When a parent loses their child, there is no word to describe them.” ~ Ronald Reagan
The comfort I found and still draw on now, four years later, is this…
I am thankful. So thankful. That although I did not get the chance to hold my baby in my arms, I held her in my body. Even if for a short time. And the first person to ever hold her in their arms was Jesus! I am happy for her to be in his arms and I am waiting for the day that I get to meet her for the very first time and wrap my arms around her. Until then… I will carry that love in my heart…
Dear Sister,
If you have experienced the loss of a baby or maybe even babies, my heart aches for you. I pray for you. Don’t be silent. Share your story. Allow others to know that they are not alone. Together, we can find support and encouragement and hope. And although your arms are empty right now, they will be full one day…
Blessings and Prayers,
KEIKILANI
Keiki… My loss was on April 17, 2007… And I always think about my sweet baby on that day. Thank you for sharing your heart! It is such an encouragement as always!
Keiki,
I came on here looking for your Asian dipping sauce (found it) and then kept clicking through random things til I came to this post… Zach and I also lost a baby in 2009. It was our first baby and I miscarried in August. Same exact “boat” as you–not that far along and actually lost the baby on vacation so when we came back we couldn’t exactly tell people, “Oh by the way, we WERE pregnant…” so only our families and a couple super-close friends knew. Like you said, paste on a smile when your heart is screaming and “life goes on” even though you feel like you’re dying inside. God taught me so much through that experience though and held me every painful step of the way. I didn’t really begin healing until a couple years ago when, like you again, I actually started sharing about it with others. It’s amazing how many God-moments the Lord has led me into with that… Also Angie Smith’s blog and book (“I Will Carry You”) helped me a lot. Loved your quote by Ronald Reagan. Here’s one that really touched me:
“If you know someone who has lost a child and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn’t forget they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that’s a great, great gift.” -Elizabeth Edwards
Anyways, even though this post is a few days old just wanted to share 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing, Jackie. I am so glad that you have seen healing in your life! I hope that sharing with others continues to bring healing. God Bless!
July 16 2014 i heard my babys heartbeat 165, dr said everything sounds good. He scheduled a sono to be done at 13wks which was 2wks later. The tech could not find a heartbeat, my baby had passed due to a chromosome abnormality. The next day i had to have surgery to remove my baby, i was hurt and devastated. My fiance could not deal with the loss and decided to leave as well 2wks after. Needless to say i have endured much pain and heartbreak. Still trying to cope..
Kathy,
I am so sorry for your loss! There is no heartache like the loss of the child. Praying for healing and sweet peace. Know that you are not alone. Please, let me know if I can do anything for you!
Keikilani
I lost my baby 9-1-14 was 12weeks baby stoped growing at 9weeks. im so hurt my soul hurts I am empty. I love my baby I want my baby with me.I’m hurting.my husbands heart is broken my children are confused and sad.
I found this blog post on Pinterest and it peaked my interest. I felt connected to your story. Oct 31 of this year I was 10 weeks 3 days and lost my baby. This was my second pregnancy, my first pregnancy was completely normal. It caught me off guard so hard. And 7 weeks later I’m still struggling….I even missed my husbands family Christmas because I’ve been having a hard time. I still feel so empty. I take pride in knowing my little angel is up with Jesus but my heart is broken. I also feel so bad because I have one little boy already. Thank you for sharing. I like to share my story with everybody, I more people should step up and let others know they are not alone. God knows I’m struggling with that too.
I found out today that my baby is no more. Im waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen, and am feeling everything, and nothing at the same time. I go from numb and smiling on the outside one second, to bawling and screaming on the inside the next. I shared on my Facebook about my loss, and so many friends have already shared their stories with me. I am so grateful for them and you, to know Im not alone in this struggle..
God Bless you
Dear Becca,
I am praying for you this morning. Know that God is holding you and your sweet little one. May His grace and peace wrap around you and comfort you every day. You are never alone.
Blessing and love,
Keikilani
My loss was over 20 years ago. But when my beautiful niece lost my great grand niece, it broke me.
Di,
I don’t think we ever get over losing our babies. Hugs to you and your sweet niece.
Thank you for sharing your story. We had our first loss (stillbirth at 33 wks) in 2008. We have also had two miscarriages that were 9 & 7 wks along (both in 2012). I do have two beautiful girls who are with me today, but also three angels with my Heavenly Father. Coping has been hard, but I know that I will see them again, that knowledge gets me through the difficult days.
Brittnee,
I am so sorry for your losses. It really is a comfort knowing we will see our babies again one day.
Many Blessings,
Keikilani
Thank you for this post! I have suffered loss as well. 4 miscarriages all between 6 and 11 weeks, and one stillborn at 33 weeks on July 27, 2014. There are 2 things that helped me get through more than anything else. The first is my faith in God and Jesus Christ, the second is knowing that I wasn’t alone. It not only helps us to share our stories, but it helps others who are suffering and can’t talk about it yet. We just never know who we will help by sharing.
Huge hugs to you Heather! So glad you have found healing through Jesus and sharing. Many blessings to you and your family!
The love of my life passed away unexpectedly on March 25th, and just a couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant with his child. This was a miraculous discovery in itself, because I was told that the odds of me ever becoming pregnant were slim to none due to genetic issues. It was a bittersweet time, because I wished so badly that my love could be right there with me to experience it all, but at the same time I knew this baby was the perfect way to carry his memory on, and his family couldn’t have been more overjoyed! After finding out it was a little girl we were having, I woke up a few days later with many complications. Our baby girl passed away within the next 24 hours. I named my daughter Sammi, a name my love had mentioned he liked before his passing. I’ve been struggling immensely with both of my losses, but find solace in the fact that one day I will be reunited with my little family once again.
Breanna,
My heart and prayers are for you and your losses. Praying for peace and comfort.
Blessings.
Keiki
I lost my baby 2 years ago, August 30, 2013. You were right about the words you’ve expressed about losing a child. She was our first child, and it was too painful to forget. She died, because of doctor’s negligence, i was induced without proper monitoring and without a doctor around. We filed a case that until now, still in the process, that was 2 years ago and the case was going on too slowly. I could not explain how painful it is to know i lost my child and how painful that the truth was not being laid down, and justice was just too far for me to see the glimpse of it. Im already am 7 months pregnant now with my second baby, I’m happy to find out like I was happy the first time i knew i got pregnant with our first child. But I can still feel the pain of losing my first child, and feel so helpless to think of the fact that justice was not given yet. I have to be strong for my second child, but sometimes, when i’m alone, I just couldn’t stop crying when I remember my first child.
Carla,
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to have closure on your case soon. I know you will never forget your precious first baby. May God bless you and this second little one. Huge Hugs!
Keikilani
My first child I miscarried at about 18 weeks but the baby died at 8 weeks causing blood poisoning. I thought nothing could hurt so bad, but I was so wrong. With my third child my dr let me go past due and she was breach. I was induced on Monday, Tuesday he broke my water, Wednesday came and went, all this without anything for pain, I thought I was going to die. Thursday afternoon I went to delivery, but her heart beat stopped so I was rushed to surgery. It was too late, my little girl, Crystal, didn’t make it and I was so full of infection I didn’t even get to go to the funeral. I did get to hold Crystal briefly, she looked perfect. She would be 33 in October. The pain, physically and mentally, was like nothing I’ve ever dealt with. Physically I healed but mentally I still hurt. I have two boys that I thank God for. I had a nervous break down after that. I wish now I had sued the dr all of that was his fault. I can really say I feel your pain ladies.
Becky,
I am so sorry for your losses. That is such a truly painful thing to go through. Huge hugs. And thank you for sharing your story.
Reading this and crying. Thank you for sharing. We have two precious children in heaven who I miss every day. I love what you said about holding her in your body. It breaks my heart I could never hold my children in my arms but it is comforting to know that I did indeed hold them in my body. And so comforting to know that the first person to hold them in His arms was Jesus. What better arms to rest in?
I am so sorry for your loss. 🙁 The pain is so great.
I like your blog post. Came across it on Pinterest. I’m sorry for your loss. I went for what was supposed to be almost 9 weeks for an early ultrasound back in late August. Found out the baby stopped developing around 6 weeks. It also showed another health issue that I’ve had to look into before trying to conceive again.
I also get great comfort knowing my child is with our Lord. Some people think it’s not a big deal because it wasn’t fully developed or whatever. Thing is, it was real, it was your child, and it died even if it was only the size of a pea.
I lost my Angel on April 8, 2003. We call her our our Angel girl cause we never knew if it was a boy or girl, but we already had a boy, so it just felt right. I got pregnant later that year and had a healthy baby boy in 2004. Nothing or no one will ever take the place of my baby that God decided He needed. I feel that there was just something God knew I couldn’t handle so He took her home. I know that one day I will see her and she will be whole with no sickness but only joy and peace. I think about her all the time and wonder what her little personality would have been like, who would she look like and all those questions you have when you have a new baby. I am blessed, I have 2 healthy boys and 1 angel girl, and one day we will see that Angel girl.
Tonya, I am so sorry for your loss. I am looking forward to seeing my little angel too one day! Blessings to you and your family!
I lost my baby one week ago today, at 9 weeks pregnant. I’m still learning how to breathe without her. Her name was Lillian and I miss her so much.
I lost my first baby last september at 10 weeks, we went to our appointment and found out the babys heart stopped at 7 weeks. It was the most painfull experience I’ve ever had. I dont have the words to describe what I felt. I was broken inside. Three months latter I was pregnant again. Now I’m 17 weeks. Its a baby girl. I thank God everyday for this sweet little baby. The fear does not go away but Im hopeful. I belive God is with me and my sweet little girl.
Sofia,
I am so sorry for your loss. Huge hugs to you!
Praising God for your Rainbow pregnancy and asking for that beautiful baby girl to be born healthy!